Welcome to my 2010 project! Thirty nine minutes into the new year, and my head is throbbing. Don’t get excited, I’m plenty sober. I have a(nother) sinus infection.
So, who am I and why a blog? Well, I have decided to run away. I just turned 41 on Christmas (yes, seriously) and have had a heck of a year. Not that any other year is any different, but for some reason, this one was. I literally became manic/panicked around mid-year, and began wondering why. After deep psycho-analyzation, I determined that I MUST be experiencing my own version of mid-life crisis. I literally had moments where I wanted to jump out of my skin, and couldn’t figure out why. After awhile a few things dawned on me. As I put together the puzzle pieces, I began to think: I can’t be the only one experiencing this. And what better therapy (and cheaper, too) than to band all us mid-lifers together, and hope we can give each other a little support thru this strange time.
So, I have decided to run away, and I hope you will come with me! To 2010! May we get through this year in one piece, with all of our children still living at the end of it!
Getting Old. I don’t know about you, but I just can’t fit into this “old” body. I think Mark Cuban hit the nail on the head with this post: “I used to have a spin move (basketball) that would work for me no matter who I was playing against or what level they were at. If I could get a pick and the defender went under, I didn’t have to think about it, I could hit the shot. These days, my mind knows what to do, but my body just laughs at me.” In my mind, I can only operate as a young, thin, strong person. I have no idea what to do, or how to do it as a 40 lb. overweight, weak person whose body is punishing me for simply operating this past 41 years. I am trying desperately to reconcile the two, but I can’t. I am in denial. I keep thinking that this phase is temporary, and I will eventually be free again. I will lose the weight, I will become strong, my body will work without pills, liquids or special diets. I will be that person my mind decided I would be when I was younger. YEAH. That’ll happen–NOT. And to think it gets worse. How do you come to grips with becoming this alien person?
Getting Fat. I don’t know about you, but this is NOT my body. I was always thin, the person kids were jealous of. Never had a problem with my weight. I am THAT person. Then I got old. And FAT. Forty extra pounds on a 5 foot 4 inch body does NOT look good. And it’s not for a lack of trying, I have spend up to 2 full hours a day, every day/every other day, on the treadmill, for up to eight weeks straight, only to GAIN weight. So, not only have I gained, but each time I try to lose, I gain more. Try coming to grips with THAT reality. I avoid mirrors, and when I do look into one, I look past the double chin, and my mind sees who I WAS, not who I am. I am in denial. I keep thinking this phase is temporary, and I will eventually be free again. Odds aren’t too good at this point, but I will keep struggling my way thru this too. Do I give up? Buy fat clothes and settle, or will there come a day where I GET to concentrate on me?
Falling Apart. I don’t know about you, but I HATE falling apart. I have had more physical problems with my body this past few years, than I’ve had my entire life. Both my shoulders went (from carrying 3 babies at once), my internal organs are haywire, my baby-maker took a crap, I got C-dif, my migraines are getting worse, and my back is on permanent leave. My body decided it wanted the year off, and boy did it get it! What’s next? My eyesight? My memory? (OK, I’m a creative, the mind thing has NEVER worked right.) I used to be superwoman. Now I am old. How do you come to grips with that? The control freak in me is freaking out. Who is this person?
All in all, I am a stranger to this person, and am not sure I like her at all. She isn’t ME. So where to go from here? I have no idea. I have two options: Fight my way out, and become ME again, or come to grips with THIS reality, and bury the woman I wanted to be, but never became.
Buckle up, we’re in for a ride!
